But he, being full of the Holy Spirit, gazed into heaven and saw the glory of God,
and Jesus standing at the right hand of God, and said,
“Look! I see the heavens opened and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God!”
Then they cried out with a loud voice, stopped their ears, and ran at him with one accord; and they cast him out of the city and stoned him. Acts 7:54-58
Because of the words of a dear friend, I now look back at our confidence of faith to see Grace raised and I see no defeat of my faith. I do not see little faith, quiet faith or failed faith. I see faith and all the strong glorious substance that it contains- hope in God, who He is and what He was doing. What we believed we believed with our whole hearts. I will never regret that depth nor will I allow the outcome to hinder the power of living and believing with my whole heart now. Her death was not a lack of faith nor a battle lost concerning my faith. What I am coming to understand is that it takes faith to look steadfast into doubt to see it turn into understanding. It takes faith to look into the darkness of nothing and search for the light of new growth. This experience, as heart breaking, hard and tedious as it has been, has not pushed me away from God but actually has caused me to search deeper for Him. My “grief” of lost belief and many questions has caused an expansion of new spiritual sight and has helped me “misunderstand a little less completely” (C.S. Lewis) the God of Stephen.