Day of Grace
In Memory and Honor of Grace E. Smith 1992~2013
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Deprived !

2/19/2014

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Picture
Each time I walk the track at the Recreational Department I usually end undone. It is an unfortunate blessing that the Memorial Gardens and the walking track in Telfair County are so close in proximity. Half the track gives me full view of where Grace’s body is laid. I walk and I cry…I run and I cry. Some days it varies. I run and cry….cry and walk. But the end is always the same. By the time I am finished, I am exhausted-physically, emotionally and spiritually. Most days I end better than I start, some days not at all.

The other day as I walked, as usual, I spotted her flowers. That mocking floral exclamation point of red, white and green madness protruding from the ground right above her covered head. They glare at me while coyly screaming, “Look at me, don’t I look as pretty as before? I haven’t changed a bit!” And I fight hatred for them in all their petty goodness and beauty. I glare right back at them and scowl. I want to run over there and make them look like I feel, so I do my best to ignore them, to rise above their whispers of plastic perfection.

Most times, I end my walking routine by marching over and sitting at Grace’s gravesite. Sometimes Alese joins me when she finishes her tennis practice. And that was my mind this particular day. I thought to myself, “Ok, just two more laps to finish and then I can so sit with Grace.” As I started on the last two laps, my mind wandered to all the things I would never get to do with Grace. No college graduation, no first real job or apartment or house. No wedding to have to scrap up money for….no this and no that… … As I went on with my list, I could not believe all the blessings of which I was being deprived. And with each deprived thought of the future, each turn of the wheel of my brain, the ache in my tortured heart grew wider and deeper. No one can bear the burden of a life of deprivation without slowly dying themselves.

As I brought all these thoughts of deprivation to the One who was walking with me, softly but quickly and ferociously, like a humming bird to a crowded nectar feeder, His question speared me, knocking the breath and life back into me. My walking Companion asked, “Why are you going to sit with Grace when you have two children playing at the tennis court?” “Don’t you think it would be better to watch them play and enjoy life than sit with the dead and feel deprived?”

I was stunned and silent. But my internal working was being shaken like an Etch A Sketch. And slowly the lines of reasoning I had drawn were being knocked down and erased. “Why do I feel deprived?” I really have no right. How unfair and selfish of me. In that moment, I was humbled and ashamed but so grateful to the One who walks with me for His truth and honesty. So, I decided to change my mind. I addressed the guilt I felt about being so close to the gravesite and yet not visiting. I reasoned to myself that I would not visit Grace every time I went by her house if she were still alive. In life, you know there are boundaries you do not cross if you are to have successful healthy relationships. The same is true in death. There are boundaries that you must see and adhere to if you are to have a successful life and maintain healthy relationships. So, I did, I embraced the shaking and changed my heart and mind. I finished my walk by heading in the opposite direction of the grave site toward the tennis courts to cheer on Jared and Alese.

Feeling deprived is a mindset that does nothing but bring despair and heartache. If it is indulged often enough and long enough it will be hard to distinguish the grave from the living. We find ourselves living statues bent over the grave weeping for lost dreams doing little but mourn our lives of loss. Becoming healthy, whole and happy is not an overnight process when you experience devastating life changing events, but with consistent work, diligence, desire and a Good Walking Friend, I find myself hopeful to get there, one step at a time.


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A Thousand Candles 

2/7/2014

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PictureShared But Not Diminished
A Thousand Candles

Psalm 23 (A Psalm of David- As Engraved on my Heart)

1              In moments of clarity, when reason of spirit eclipses all natural thought, feeling and being, I know I am not my own. I belong to Someone else. You watch over me. You give me all I will ever need. I will never do without. I call You my Lord. I call You my Shepherd.

2              On my own, it seems I find myself full of fret and worry. Anxiety chases me all the time. I am give out! But in an intimacy only You know, You calm me with Your private, textured words and gentle but direct touch. You make me slow down and breathe again. You make me take time to rest and revel in all the beauty that surrounds me, from the fragile green shoots of swaying grass to the stillness of the deep, crystal blue, reflecting waters. When my heart and soul are dry as winter, You give me refreshing warm drink that melts the edge of the inward knife till all my sharpness and stiff angles are melted, puddled and poured out.

3              You remind me of what is right, what is good and what is pure. I am reminded of Your honor, integrity and truth. Your name is Your promise.

4              Yes, the cold grave has come close and I am caught in the shadow of death and devastation. But You never leave me. We have stood still for days in this place, yes even months and wept together, mourned together. And still You stay. When whispers of darkness, smells of sulfur and putrid thoughts swirl darkly around me, You stand strong beside me, never letting go of my hand, or my heart, commanding me, “Do not fear! Do not doubt! Do not let go of Me!” Your word of encouragement lifts the weight of fear off my soul and gives my heart courage. It is Your sure direction and humble leading that brings me through this wasteful and bitter valley. With You by my side the hollowed out void inside my damaged chest is satisfied. And, I am comforted.

5              You do not beat up those blasphemous bullies that torment me nor do you shut their mouths. Rather, bizarrely, You invite me to dine with You at Your table as they stand nearby, wickedly watching as they sneer and spit at us. But oh my! What a feast You have for me! We linger at the table, enjoying the food and drink You made just for us. In the middle of our feasting and pleasure it dawns on me I don’t hear those malevolent bullies anymore. I look up and they are still here but because Your love so enraptures me, all I can hear is You. You tell me I am special. I am Your favorite. Your one and Your only. As I look around and take in all that is before me, I know I am blessed. My heart cannot be contained. I am ready to burst with love.

6              You said I belong to You and You belong to me. Because of this, there is nothing but good ahead for me. Because of Your love for me, You understand all my short comings. You help me in my imperfections and strengthen me through my frailties. Because I experience Your extravagant love for me, wherever I go I show others Your goodness, kindness and forgiveness. My heart burns like the light from a thousand candles!  It cannot be put out or diminished only shared. And it shines wherever I go!  This light will never go out.  Regardless of where I am, in this life or the next, we will live so many days together they cannot be numbered. Oh, please let it be so!  


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    Laura G. Smith

    Trying to understand what can not be explained.

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