The blast goes off and your ears start ringing. People are moving around you. They are speaking…their mouths are moving but the sound is muffled. You try to press forward but the ground is tilted in a way that throws you off balance. You strain to focus, really concentrate on what is being asked of you. “Do you need cash back?” And you realize with aching clarity that no one else’s world has stopped spinning or moving or speeding ahead. And you can’t help but be jealous for just a moment. You toy with the notion of anger and bitterness. My child is gone…my world turned upside down and inside out. This should matter to you, stranger cashier lady. The fact that my world has stopped while yours continues to spin should matter to you… You shake your head dumbly, reach for your receipt and numbly walk out of the store, tears streaming down your face. You wonder darkly, not when but if, your world will ever be right again. “When will the blast of heart wrenching ache stop hitting me and bringing me to my bloodied and bruised knees?”
It is good to report, that after one year, the above scenario happens less and less, but with no less severity. When the blast comes, it still hits just as hard and ugly and I am still left completely undone. The year has sneaked up on me and yet it seems I have been counting down the days, hours and minutes to the anniversary. I know that sounds crazy and morbid….but true. The one year mark was like that huge rock in the middle of the ocean I swam toward every day. “Just one more hand stroke in front of the other, come on girl, you can do it. That’s it…one more time now.” Seconds turned into minutes. Minutes into hours. Hours turned to days, days to weeks and weeks to months and now...one year. So here we are. Tomorrow marks the day. May 9th, 2014, at 5:33 am, Grace Erin Smith passed from this world to the glorious next!
I do not refer to this day with the thoughts of death or dying…but rather re-birth. Grace was born into Heaven at 5:33 am on May 9th! We purpose in our hearts to mark tomorrow with celebration and anticipation of seeing her again. Yes, we will remember her through smiles, laughter and tears.
I feel every 31,557,600 second of her separation in my bones, in my heart, in my teeth and my hair. Her life and departure has become such a part of my existence. My DNA. Grace changed my life. And that change has only grown in the past year. Yes, her life changed mine and I will forever be thankful I had the chance to know Grace and sit in the front row seat of her life!
It is good to report, that after one year, the above scenario happens less and less, but with no less severity. When the blast comes, it still hits just as hard and ugly and I am still left completely undone. The year has sneaked up on me and yet it seems I have been counting down the days, hours and minutes to the anniversary. I know that sounds crazy and morbid….but true. The one year mark was like that huge rock in the middle of the ocean I swam toward every day. “Just one more hand stroke in front of the other, come on girl, you can do it. That’s it…one more time now.” Seconds turned into minutes. Minutes into hours. Hours turned to days, days to weeks and weeks to months and now...one year. So here we are. Tomorrow marks the day. May 9th, 2014, at 5:33 am, Grace Erin Smith passed from this world to the glorious next!
I do not refer to this day with the thoughts of death or dying…but rather re-birth. Grace was born into Heaven at 5:33 am on May 9th! We purpose in our hearts to mark tomorrow with celebration and anticipation of seeing her again. Yes, we will remember her through smiles, laughter and tears.
I feel every 31,557,600 second of her separation in my bones, in my heart, in my teeth and my hair. Her life and departure has become such a part of my existence. My DNA. Grace changed my life. And that change has only grown in the past year. Yes, her life changed mine and I will forever be thankful I had the chance to know Grace and sit in the front row seat of her life!
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